I finished reading "Shadow Boxing" today, and I strongly recommend it to any Christian. While reading this book, God brought many things in my life to mind that are strongholds. But today specifically, as I was trying to read the last chapters of my book, I was exhausted. I've been tired since I woke up, and I'm so tired all the time. As I finished reading my book 20 minutes ago, I decided to take a little nap. I hate taking naps in the middle of the day. It feels like such a waste of time, but I was so tired. Right before I went to sleep, I decided to make good on my promise from yesterday to pray more. I began talking to God, asking Him to please show me what I need to do and how I can change some of the patterns and break the strongholds in my life. And then it happened, God said..."Stop drinking caffeine." I'm like, "Well, that was fast." But as soon as I started to dismiss this "voice", I decided to submit. I said, " Yes, God." It was so easy and freeing, and I immediately had more energy.
Now I'm not saying caffeine is bad, or you should give it up. Maybe you don't have this issue in your life, but how many times have you prayed for God to relieve you from a burden, and then ignored the simple clear answer He gave you. In the following moments while I lay on the couch with my eyes closed talking to God, he gave me some other obvious things that cause me to be tired. These things of themselves are not sin, but I know they cause me to be tired, therefore, preventing me from getting up early to spend quiet time with God, accepting opportunities to do God's will, and being in a good mood. Because these things prevent me from obeying what God has commanded me to do, they are sinful for me. It amuses me how Satan often uses the little things to keep me from experiencing the true bounty of God's grace in my life. So, as I lay there on the couch, thinking about how awesome God is, I think, "Alright, great! When I'm done with my nap, I'll do something." LOL! Yeah, I know. "Why not now?" It finally clicks. Have faith, and do what God says. Some days I'm a little slower than others, but God is so faithful to continue pushing me in the right direction!
Father God,
Thank you for answering my call. I accept Your wisdom and guidance and fully submit myself to your will. Forgive me for choosing small conveniences in life over You and allowing Satan to deceive me that any sin is small. Send your Holy Spirit to fill the holes where my bad habits once were and encourage me, and give me strength and grace through your son, Jesus Christ, to resist temptation. I commit to put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provisions for the flesh, to fulfill its lust (Rom.13:14). By resisting Satan and refusing to conform to this world, I take authority by Christ Jesus over being tired. I give all the glory and honor to You, Father. Thank you for your wisdom, grace and mercy. Please continue to give me wisdom through Your Holy Spirit to recognize my sin, repent, and change my actions.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Monday, January 5, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Faith Or Fear In The New Year
I was sitting in church today, and realized I had been ignoring my blog because I didn't want it to fall short of my expectations. Fear...My own expectations often breed fear, which is why I've come to loath the New Year. Year after year, it's the same thing. I focus on all of the things I failed to do, and I start by trying to fix myself and "be better" this year.
I got the title to this post from my pastor. He was preaching from Isaiah 43:1.
"But now [in spite of past judgments for Israel's sins], thus says the Lord, He Who created you, O Jacob, and He Who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you [ransomed you by paying a price instead of leaving you captives]; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you."
So, no New Year's resolutions this year. Resolutions are based in the future, which makes them useless. Only God knows the future, and so I must place my faith, which is now, in God. My faith will manifest in the future, if I have faith now to follow God today, my future is guaranteed to be in God's will. God's will is good and perfect, and no amount of worrying about what I can't predict or focusing on the past, which I can not change, will accomplish anything for God. I've already proven that I can not do anything in my own strength, but through Christ, nothing is impossible.
I often learn so much by teaching, especially, children. The term, "Faith like a child," come to mind. I was teaching Sunday school today, and the new memory verse is Philippians 4:6.
"Do not worry about anything, but pray about everything."
My first step in the New Year is to stop making plans and plan on praying. I need to clear my thoughts out of my head, so God has some room to move in and make His plans. I often try so hard to fix things and pray only when I've tried everything and failed. Let's see if GOD can make this year better, while I learn to listen and obey.
Father God,
Thank you for calling me by name, despite my past sins and failures. You created me and formed me in Your perfect image, and I am Yours. I will not fear because you have promised to be with me, and I will not be overwhelmed or harmed by the natural struggles in life. Thank you, Father, that I'm not where I used to be, even if I'm not where I'm supposed to be. Help me to hear your voice and just have faith.
In Jesus name,
Amen
I got the title to this post from my pastor. He was preaching from Isaiah 43:1.
"But now [in spite of past judgments for Israel's sins], thus says the Lord, He Who created you, O Jacob, and He Who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you [ransomed you by paying a price instead of leaving you captives]; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you."
So, no New Year's resolutions this year. Resolutions are based in the future, which makes them useless. Only God knows the future, and so I must place my faith, which is now, in God. My faith will manifest in the future, if I have faith now to follow God today, my future is guaranteed to be in God's will. God's will is good and perfect, and no amount of worrying about what I can't predict or focusing on the past, which I can not change, will accomplish anything for God. I've already proven that I can not do anything in my own strength, but through Christ, nothing is impossible.
I often learn so much by teaching, especially, children. The term, "Faith like a child," come to mind. I was teaching Sunday school today, and the new memory verse is Philippians 4:6.
"Do not worry about anything, but pray about everything."
My first step in the New Year is to stop making plans and plan on praying. I need to clear my thoughts out of my head, so God has some room to move in and make His plans. I often try so hard to fix things and pray only when I've tried everything and failed. Let's see if GOD can make this year better, while I learn to listen and obey.
Father God,
Thank you for calling me by name, despite my past sins and failures. You created me and formed me in Your perfect image, and I am Yours. I will not fear because you have promised to be with me, and I will not be overwhelmed or harmed by the natural struggles in life. Thank you, Father, that I'm not where I used to be, even if I'm not where I'm supposed to be. Help me to hear your voice and just have faith.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Introduction
Although I accepted Christ into my life at a very young age, practiced my faith since and pursued God's perfect will for my life, I have always struggled with strong negative emotions. As I found myself coming into adulthood, I struggled to control these emotions, rather than letting them run wild. I only managed to hide them, never ridding myself of them, only burying them deeper and deeper, causing a chasm between me and God that grows wider as I allow the fear of those emotions surfacing to strangle any joy or peace. I begin to ask myself, "Should it be so hard?" Should it be so hard to do what I'm supposed to do. If I'm in God's will, why do I feel lost and unsatisfied. "It isn't enough, and I want more!"
I could write a novel if I went back far enough, but for the purpose of this introduction, I will stay in the relative present, referring only to the past when necessary for clarification. I'm terrible with times and dates, so forgive me if I lose you, but I'll try to organize my thoughts.
I have been searching for my calling for most of my life and running at the same time. I want to know what my great purpose is, but I am crippled by the fear of knowing and failing. I have spent my whole life afraid of becoming just like those in my life that have failed me and crushed my spirit. I have often feared in life of failing, and so I acted in ways to self-destruct, and then feared I went to far, that the calling God had for me would never be mine because I had run from it for too long. I still wonder if maybe it is just too late, but yet on the good days I feel God encouraging me to do great things.
As I got older, I thought I would just have to overcome these fears by shear will. I am a very determined individual. I stopped self-destructing and started self-preserving. For awhile, I was able to function and even have small success, mostly because I wasn't constantly suffering the consequences of my actions. But now I have reached a place in my life that I am not content to be "OK". I want more than to not succumb to my emotions. I want to feel better, not just look better. Once I realized that I wanted more, everything I had boxed up came bubbling up, and the fear, that I would harm the ones I love (emotionally) in the same way I had been damaged, caused me to hide. I have never dealt with my emotions in a healthy way. I don't even truly know what they all are, let alone how to deal with them. I know I cannot self-destruct, and I won't. But I'm not satisfied with suppressing them either. Why am I this way? Have I spent so long trying not to become what I fear, that I haven't discovered who I actually am? I don't know.
I decided I needed some outside help, so I went to a Christian counseling organization to speak with a counselor. I wasn't even sure what I would say, or if they could help. I thought maybe this was beyond talking it out, and maybe it was more physical than I realized. Maybe I should consider more medical help and see a psychiatrist. I decided I would see a counselor first and be willing to go to a psychiatrist, if it didn't seem to help. I'm glad I went, because I was able to say things that I hadn't even admitted to myself. One of the biggest things I realized is that I was judging myself for feeling the way I did. At some point, I decided that it wasn't normal to have issues, and ignoring them meant they didn't exist. That's the thing with feelings, they're there, effecting every area of my life, whether I give them credit or not. I don't know how to change how I feel. I've learned how to change how I act, but never understood how to change how I feel. I truly hope I find the answer, because there has to be more than this. I will not settle for "dealing with my feelings", I want to conquer them and be free of the fear that they bring.
I recently went to a leadership conference and listened intently, taking notes as I'm wont to do, and I found myself thinking,"I'm tired of hearing God, I want to be something." I've spent my whole life hearing what God has for me, and never have I been free enough to actually reach out and take it. I won't make myself any promises, that I'll only break. I won't promise to blog everyday, or read my bible every morning before the girls wake up, or even to take a shower every day, but I will stop accepting Satan's lies. I will be honest with how I feel, and let God heal me. I will risk failure, so I can find success. What will you do right now? Today? I'm going to stop ignoring the hard questions, just because I'm afraid of the answers. I'm going to let myself heal, because I deserve it.
Father God,
Send your Holy Spirit to make me aware of the things that hold me back, give me the wisdom to understand them, help me to remember that you have already given me the authority to overcome them, and bring me one step closer each time to the promised land. Thank you for loving me and accepting me where I am, but loving me enough to make me answer the hard questions and overcome my fears. Show me your will in every moment, and give me the courage to risk failure, so you can cause me to find success and joy.
In Jesus name,
Amen
I could write a novel if I went back far enough, but for the purpose of this introduction, I will stay in the relative present, referring only to the past when necessary for clarification. I'm terrible with times and dates, so forgive me if I lose you, but I'll try to organize my thoughts.
I have been searching for my calling for most of my life and running at the same time. I want to know what my great purpose is, but I am crippled by the fear of knowing and failing. I have spent my whole life afraid of becoming just like those in my life that have failed me and crushed my spirit. I have often feared in life of failing, and so I acted in ways to self-destruct, and then feared I went to far, that the calling God had for me would never be mine because I had run from it for too long. I still wonder if maybe it is just too late, but yet on the good days I feel God encouraging me to do great things.
As I got older, I thought I would just have to overcome these fears by shear will. I am a very determined individual. I stopped self-destructing and started self-preserving. For awhile, I was able to function and even have small success, mostly because I wasn't constantly suffering the consequences of my actions. But now I have reached a place in my life that I am not content to be "OK". I want more than to not succumb to my emotions. I want to feel better, not just look better. Once I realized that I wanted more, everything I had boxed up came bubbling up, and the fear, that I would harm the ones I love (emotionally) in the same way I had been damaged, caused me to hide. I have never dealt with my emotions in a healthy way. I don't even truly know what they all are, let alone how to deal with them. I know I cannot self-destruct, and I won't. But I'm not satisfied with suppressing them either. Why am I this way? Have I spent so long trying not to become what I fear, that I haven't discovered who I actually am? I don't know.
I decided I needed some outside help, so I went to a Christian counseling organization to speak with a counselor. I wasn't even sure what I would say, or if they could help. I thought maybe this was beyond talking it out, and maybe it was more physical than I realized. Maybe I should consider more medical help and see a psychiatrist. I decided I would see a counselor first and be willing to go to a psychiatrist, if it didn't seem to help. I'm glad I went, because I was able to say things that I hadn't even admitted to myself. One of the biggest things I realized is that I was judging myself for feeling the way I did. At some point, I decided that it wasn't normal to have issues, and ignoring them meant they didn't exist. That's the thing with feelings, they're there, effecting every area of my life, whether I give them credit or not. I don't know how to change how I feel. I've learned how to change how I act, but never understood how to change how I feel. I truly hope I find the answer, because there has to be more than this. I will not settle for "dealing with my feelings", I want to conquer them and be free of the fear that they bring.
I recently went to a leadership conference and listened intently, taking notes as I'm wont to do, and I found myself thinking,"I'm tired of hearing God, I want to be something." I've spent my whole life hearing what God has for me, and never have I been free enough to actually reach out and take it. I won't make myself any promises, that I'll only break. I won't promise to blog everyday, or read my bible every morning before the girls wake up, or even to take a shower every day, but I will stop accepting Satan's lies. I will be honest with how I feel, and let God heal me. I will risk failure, so I can find success. What will you do right now? Today? I'm going to stop ignoring the hard questions, just because I'm afraid of the answers. I'm going to let myself heal, because I deserve it.
Father God,
Send your Holy Spirit to make me aware of the things that hold me back, give me the wisdom to understand them, help me to remember that you have already given me the authority to overcome them, and bring me one step closer each time to the promised land. Thank you for loving me and accepting me where I am, but loving me enough to make me answer the hard questions and overcome my fears. Show me your will in every moment, and give me the courage to risk failure, so you can cause me to find success and joy.
In Jesus name,
Amen
You're Invited
I send this personal invitation to my friends and family whom I feel have something to gain or offer towards the mission of my blog. For too long, I have perpetuated the lie that good Christians do not feel anger, inferiority, fear, failure, anxiety, jealousy, lust, control, pride, etc., by not being honest with my friends and family about my own struggles. I have become aware that many of my closest friends and family have dealt with, or are dealing with, some of the same things I am going through, and I am not alone. For those of you who have already been through some of the things I discuss, I pray you will share with others the way you have overcome. For those of you struggling, I pray you will be open and ask the hard questions, so we can all be set free from the feelings and thoughts that keep us from discovering our full potential, accomplishing the things God has set before us, and accepting unconditional love. I have sent this invitation to only a select few of my inner circle, but in an attempt to help any who seek it, I have made this blog accessible to the public. I encourage you to remain anonymous if you wish, and especially if it will help you to be open and share the most difficult things that would free you and others of a common bondage. I take a risk in authoring this blog. I trust that all who participate will be discreet in revealing information when sharing and not use this as a means to gossip or bring harm.
Each post has a comment button, which I strongly encourage you to use in an effort to help the most people and maintain anonymity. If you wish to be updated when someone responds to a post on which you've commented, just select the option on the comment form to receive an email when other comments are posted. I have included those of you receiving this email to receive an email each time I publish a new post, but you will not receive updates or comments unless you comment and select to receive further comments. I encourage everyone to please refrain from offering "advice", but rather to offer personal experiences, failures and successes, which can often help more than "good advice".
Father God,
May those reading and participating in this blog be blessed with wisdom, revelation and healing. I pray our intentions will be pure and our hearts will be open to the work of the Holy Spirit. May our struggles and suffering be overcome by the power of Jesus Christ and used to further the spreading of the love of God and His gospel.
Amen
Each post has a comment button, which I strongly encourage you to use in an effort to help the most people and maintain anonymity. If you wish to be updated when someone responds to a post on which you've commented, just select the option on the comment form to receive an email when other comments are posted. I have included those of you receiving this email to receive an email each time I publish a new post, but you will not receive updates or comments unless you comment and select to receive further comments. I encourage everyone to please refrain from offering "advice", but rather to offer personal experiences, failures and successes, which can often help more than "good advice".
Father God,
May those reading and participating in this blog be blessed with wisdom, revelation and healing. I pray our intentions will be pure and our hearts will be open to the work of the Holy Spirit. May our struggles and suffering be overcome by the power of Jesus Christ and used to further the spreading of the love of God and His gospel.
Amen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)