Although I accepted Christ into my life at a very young age, practiced my faith since and pursued God's perfect will for my life, I have always struggled with strong negative emotions. As I found myself coming into adulthood, I struggled to control these emotions, rather than letting them run wild. I only managed to hide them, never ridding myself of them, only burying them deeper and deeper, causing a chasm between me and God that grows wider as I allow the fear of those emotions surfacing to strangle any joy or peace. I begin to ask myself, "Should it be so hard?" Should it be so hard to do what I'm supposed to do. If I'm in God's will, why do I feel lost and unsatisfied. "It isn't enough, and I want more!"
I could write a novel if I went back far enough, but for the purpose of this introduction, I will stay in the relative present, referring only to the past when necessary for clarification. I'm terrible with times and dates, so forgive me if I lose you, but I'll try to organize my thoughts.
I have been searching for my calling for most of my life and running at the same time. I want to know what my great purpose is, but I am crippled by the fear of knowing and failing. I have spent my whole life afraid of becoming just like those in my life that have failed me and crushed my spirit. I have often feared in life of failing, and so I acted in ways to self-destruct, and then feared I went to far, that the calling God had for me would never be mine because I had run from it for too long. I still wonder if maybe it is just too late, but yet on the good days I feel God encouraging me to do great things.
As I got older, I thought I would just have to overcome these fears by shear will. I am a very determined individual. I stopped self-destructing and started self-preserving. For awhile, I was able to function and even have small success, mostly because I wasn't constantly suffering the consequences of my actions. But now I have reached a place in my life that I am not content to be "OK". I want more than to not succumb to my emotions. I want to feel better, not just look better. Once I realized that I wanted more, everything I had boxed up came bubbling up, and the fear, that I would harm the ones I love (emotionally) in the same way I had been damaged, caused me to hide. I have never dealt with my emotions in a healthy way. I don't even truly know what they all are, let alone how to deal with them. I know I cannot self-destruct, and I won't. But I'm not satisfied with suppressing them either. Why am I this way? Have I spent so long trying not to become what I fear, that I haven't discovered who I actually am? I don't know.
I decided I needed some outside help, so I went to a Christian counseling organization to speak with a counselor. I wasn't even sure what I would say, or if they could help. I thought maybe this was beyond talking it out, and maybe it was more physical than I realized. Maybe I should consider more medical help and see a psychiatrist. I decided I would see a counselor first and be willing to go to a psychiatrist, if it didn't seem to help. I'm glad I went, because I was able to say things that I hadn't even admitted to myself. One of the biggest things I realized is that I was judging myself for feeling the way I did. At some point, I decided that it wasn't normal to have issues, and ignoring them meant they didn't exist. That's the thing with feelings, they're there, effecting every area of my life, whether I give them credit or not. I don't know how to change how I feel. I've learned how to change how I act, but never understood how to change how I feel. I truly hope I find the answer, because there has to be more than this. I will not settle for "dealing with my feelings", I want to conquer them and be free of the fear that they bring.
I recently went to a leadership conference and listened intently, taking notes as I'm wont to do, and I found myself thinking,"I'm tired of hearing God, I want to be something." I've spent my whole life hearing what God has for me, and never have I been free enough to actually reach out and take it. I won't make myself any promises, that I'll only break. I won't promise to blog everyday, or read my bible every morning before the girls wake up, or even to take a shower every day, but I will stop accepting Satan's lies. I will be honest with how I feel, and let God heal me. I will risk failure, so I can find success. What will you do right now? Today? I'm going to stop ignoring the hard questions, just because I'm afraid of the answers. I'm going to let myself heal, because I deserve it.
Send your Holy Spirit to make me aware of the things that hold me back, give me the wisdom to understand them, help me to remember that you have already given me the authority to overcome them, and bring me one step closer each time to the promised land. Thank you for loving me and accepting me where I am, but loving me enough to make me answer the hard questions and overcome my fears. Show me your will in every moment, and give me the courage to risk failure, so you can cause me to find success and joy.
In Jesus name,